We have a lot on our plate right now. I am just praying that we can make it through the next couple of weeks. The movers come on the 21st, so just a little over a week away! I have been staying with DH for the past week looking for homes, so I haven't been at the house at all in order to start packing. The good news is that we did find a house and we came to an acceptable price. We are just now waiting on the inspection. I plan to go back to the house this week to start packing the things they won't move (or we don't want them to move). One more step accomplished to be able to establish our lives together again!

I did go to see the OBGYN that MIL has been wanting us to go see. Well, guess what, I was right. She said the same thing that all of the other doctors have said. We have virtually little to no chance of conceiving (as if I didn't know this after seeing 3 RE's already). She also, at first recommended that I have a hysterectomy and removal of ovaries, however, after doing an examination, she rescinded this. She said I look a lot worse on paper than she saw during the exam. She said women with severe endo usually have a very hard uterus, that it can almost feel like cement. She said mine feels very soft and not that abnormal, other than the one spot where she could feel the mass that we think is the endo. She said she doesn't think it is necessary for a hysterectomy unless it becomes very painful for me and I want to do it.

DH was with me for the whole appointment. I think it was really good for him to be there to hear from the doctor, first hand, how bad our situation really is. I know it was really hard for him and he struggled with it for several days after we saw her. It's not like he hasn't heard it before from the RE's, but I think it helped him with his decision to want to pursue adoption sooner rather than later.

After the appointment, we got back to my in-laws house and the first thing my MIL says is "so....hopefully good news, right?" It frustrated me, because I have had this conversation with MIL several times - I have told her frankly what our infertility situation is. She has taken my frankness as "giving up" and not trying hard enough to find the right doctor that will help us. (she did say this directly to DH). As I mentioned in my last post, I really think she believed that her doctor was going to have the magic cure, or have a different opinion than all of the other doctors we've seen and that we would be on our way to a new treatment plan to get PG. So, this is another reason I am glad DH was with me, so that he could be my advocate and confirm with his mom, that no, the other doctors have not been wrong and that even her doctor does not think we will ever get PG.

I know this was hard for her to hear, and I could see the tears well up in her eyes. Even though I was frustrated with her, because I felt like she didn't think what I told her in the past was valid, but I do really feel bad for her too. I hate how IF affects the whole family. I have seen my mom cry, my grandpa cry and my MIL cry over this. IF is just so. stinkin. hard. I hate that neither set of our parents will ever see bio grandchildren. But you know what? I am over it. I am ready to accept the body that I have, to accept that I have sick ovaries and just move on with another plan to become parents. I know that it hurts our family too, but this is what it is, I can't do anything about it. we may or may not ever conceive, and just because I want to move on to something else does not mean that I have no hope. I don't know how to portray this to others, but they also have to grieve too.

And.....on to another interesting series of events........my last cycle was very odd. I was late, then I spotted (not sure that's the right word, it was more than spotting, but not quite AF) for almost a week before finally getting AF, I had other "symptoms" that coincide with early loss, which have led us to believe that we may have had an early miscarriage. It's crazy, especially considering the last appointment I had, but the signs were there. I will never know for sure because I never took a PG test. by the time I thought it could have been this, it was way too late. I did take a blood test at the appointment, and it was negative, but it was almost two weeks after this all started. This doesn't really change things for me. we may conceive in the future, I still hope for it, but I don't long for it and I will no longer put my life on hold for it. I am ready for something else and we are going to take steps in that direction if that is what God has planned for us.

I am in a lot of pain right now. My ovarian cysts seem to have gotten worse, and I don't know what the endo is doing, but whatever it is, it's been very painful. I don't know how I am going to make it until surgery, which is scheduled on July 26th. I am just praying that I get through these next two weeks!