The end of the road

My surgery went ok as far as how I felt, recovery, etc. Compared to my last lap, this one was a breeze. I think my anesthesiologist was a lot better this time at getting things right. My only issue was that I had a hard time peeing (one of the requirements before they let you go home). At the last hour, I finally went, avoiding having to do a catheter - Thank God. I have never been so happy to pee in my entire life. Also, I did have a stent put in, but it was removed right away, so I don't have to worry about that either.

But.....things are bad. I am still trying to process everything as I feel this is another turning point in our TTC journey. Actually, it's no longer a turning point, it's the end of the road. It is physically impossible for me to conceive due to my endometriosis. Prior to this it was just, very, very statistically unlikely. There was still a small glimmer of hope that God could override this and provide a miracle. But this is no longer the case. I will never bear a child with my genes and that's the end of the story. My doctor said that a hysterectomy in the future is inevitable.

Although we plan to move forward with adoption, this is still hard for me to digest because it is so final. I've gone from having a tiny bit of hope, to knowing for sure I will never see my own son or daughter. this is beyond hard. I am one of the lucky 1% of women who will never bear a child. Why me? I will never know and never understand, and I know I will always grieve this loss and have a hole in my heart forever because of this.

We do plan to see a specialist in our area who is world renown for endometrial surgery, in fact he is a pioneer in LAP procedures and trains people all over the world in his techniques. there is a small chance that maybe I wont have to have a full hysterectomy since he does not support doing this unless absolutely necessary and is so skilled he is able to remove most endo even from the worst case patients. Also, the Endometriosis Association, one of the leading organizations in the world for endometriosis is right here in my city. I feel like these are some positives to this, I have some of the experts in my back yard. My main concern now is treating this disease and preserving my health. I know we have a longer road ahead to parenthood, and that is hard to swallow, that even after 5 years, the journey is only getting more difficult.

I don't know if I will continue this blog or not as the door has been closed for TTC for good. If we do start the adoption process, it may turn into a journal for that process. I don't know, I guess I need time to figure things out.