Such is my life

I was just about to come here and post about how not much is going on in the IF world for us right now. We are focused on getting ready to move, I am focused on some big projects at work that I need to finish, I am focused on trying to make sense of moving here only to move back home again......was it worth it, did we do the right thing? I don't want all of these things to make me lose sight of our goal. When we moved last year, I had just come off of two IVF attempts and the break was welcome. The move was a good distraction from dwelling on all that happened throughout those attempts - the emotional roller coaster of treatment. I thought, "once we move....we can can think about TTC again, we can explore our options". I had hoped that once we were settled we could start making some steps on a path that would draw us closer to parenthood.

And we did. But they weren't fruitful. For each step forward there were two steps back. This is what I am struggling with right now. About a month after we moved in, last April, we attended an adoption seminar that resulted in this. I did work through a lot of those feelings, yet my husband has not.

Then, about a month after that, we had a phone consult with a new RE that resulted in this. I know that we really could still pursue IVF, and I really do hope to at least one more time before my childbearing years are completely over, but I view it as only one out of several options for adding to our family where as in the past I thought it would be what brings us our baby.

So, we are about to embark on another move, a year later, and I feel like we've gotten nowhere, in fact, it feels like we've gone backwards. We made attempts, but they didn't go they way we planned or hoped, so we are just back to square one.

And of course, before coming to post here I decided to check facebook and there was a PG announcement from a friend. A friend who has only been married one year longer than I, and this will be her fourth. Of course all of those feelings sink in....why does she get four, and we get............none? I remember when we were still single and we would dream about meeting our husbands and having our families. Her and a few other of my single friends, we were all in the same boat. Now they all have children, I watch them as they have everything they ever wanted, everything we used to dream about. They will never know how life "turned out" for me, and I'm starting to wonder if I will ever know what their life is like, what it's like to actually have the family you always wanted.

Sorry.....little diversion of self-pity there. I am not in bad place right now, at all actually. I am just contemplating on these things. There is a peace that I feel, a voice that tells me "for I know plans I have made for you"....this Voice keeps me going, gives me hope and even makes me feel special at times. Sure, I could have the cookie-cutter family like everyone else......or maybe there is something different that God has planned for me. I am trying to keep an open heart and mind as to what our path to parenthood my look like. sometimes it's still hard to accept that our IF is so severe, but after almost 5 years, it's getting a little easier walk down the path less traveled.