Fear drives most of our struggle with IF. Don't get me wrong, I know that anyone struggling with IF goes through real, honest-to-goodness grief. This grief is so raw and so real, yet it's probably one of the hardest to deal with because it has no real beginning and no real end for that mattter. It is a cycle that happens over and over. There is no "tangible" loss causing this grief, which is why I think it's so misunderstood. Grief is not something to treat lightly.
But, putting grief aside, I really believe that fear is what makes us struggle the most when things are hard. For me, I fear having to wait many more years to start our family, I fear not being able to start my family while I am younger. According to many, I am already too old (if you don't believe me, just ask the people who have told me to my face). At one time I have feared how God will start our family, what if it is not through our own biology? What if I have to wait years for an adopted child? I fear Mike never getting to cherish his firstborn and see his or her father's eyes or mothers smile looking back at him. I fear that by the time I start my family I will not know anyone with babies, for most of our friends and family are finished growing their families. I fear the disappointment and loss that could occur with more IVF attempts or failed or prolonged adoption attempts. Mostly, I fear we may never have a family at all.
The fear is there, but so is God. Little by little He is conquering those fears for me. The reality of those fears is, well, real. I may have to wait a long time, I have already failed at starting a family for 3.5 years, who's to say we won't fail for another 3.5? "Young" is already a stretch of the imagination for us in terms of childbearing years. Thankfully, I know God is bigger than my fears. For so long I am sure I tossed that phrase around, along with all of the other "christian-ese" we speak. God is great. God is good. Anything is possible with God. But to really have to live each day in the true belief that God really is bigger than my fears has been a learning process and it's something that He continues to teach me and show me in some little and some big ways.
Last Sunday our pastor gave an amazing sermon. We are in Numbers 13-14 and he preached about the Isrealistes unbelief as God led them to the promised land. They got to the edge of Canaan and the leaders went ahead to get a first-hand look. Their report back to Moses and the people was not so good. Giants. Large, foritified cities. Powerful people that could easily devour them. Instead of trusting in God's promise, they chose fear. They did not believe that God would deliver them to this land safely. Their fear was so great they actually preferred going back to Egypt over entering into the land that God promised them. Even after all of the miracles, signs and provisions that God gave them along the way, because of their fear they still chose unbelief. And you know what - God finally said "the heck with them". He gave them over to their fears and let them have their way in the desert rather than allowing them to enter the promised land. Wow. God had an end to his patience. He gave them what they really asked for, which was faith in their OWN judgement, their own abilities, and their own plans. The result was to perish in the dry desert.
Here is a link to the sermon if you want to listen, I really encourage you to do so!
I really had to struggle with my fear of the future during this sermon. Do I fear it so much because I don't believe God's promises? No, God hasn't promised me a baby, but he has promised me so much more! Do I let unbelief keep me from entering into God's promised land? His promised land is joy, peace and an abundant life in Him. Is my own fear holding me back in this land of uncertainty, in this land of confusion and doubt, of sadness and grief? Do I prefer this land over that which God has promised? I can't conquer my IF. I can't make myself have a baby no matter how hard I try. I can't control when or even if we will have a family. These are some mighty, big giants and some tall, hefty walls that God is leading us to. What am I chosing, fear and unbelief, or trust and obediance? I can't obey God, I can't trust Him if I keep having this fear about my future and if I lack trust in His plan. Even when the future looks so bleak, and is so uncertain, and SO SCARY, I need to choose FAITH instead of FEAR. I need to chose BELIEF instead of UNBELIEF. I need to choose God's promises instead of the dry, unfruitful desert.
If I don't follow God into this unknown land, into this unknown future, I will never be able to experience His abundance. Instead I will be stuck out here to die of thirst and hunger because of my unbelief. If only the Isrealites trusted God and chose to follow him into the promised land, who knows what could have happened? Maybe they would have experienced the land of milk and honey to it's fullest. Maybe the giants were really friendly. Maybe their lives would have been hard, but really, really good. Well, I know where I want to go, even if it's really, really scary, even if it's hard.
No comments:
Post a Comment