Paying respects

I just realized my last few posts, encouraging as they are, they don't really reflect the real, true anguish that infertility causes. They are on the more hopeful side of things, when, through most of an IF journey, hope is pretty much gone and you are left with just.....despair. Don't get me wrong, God works on me so much and really does carry me through, but there is still an everday sadness that occurs in your life with IF. It just won't go away. No matter how good of a day you are having, the sadness is there. It is a big, empty hole in your life that you can do absolutely nothing about. I wrote the following about 7 months months ago about the grief that IF causes, before we even found out that we pretty much can nix our hope for having a baby. I think it deserves a spot on my blog. It's funny, but when writing this last winter, I still thought there was hope. The grief that occurs after you find out there is no hope....that's another blog post altogether and makes this look like a walk in the park:

The different thing about this type of grief is that it doesn’t get easier. Time usually heals most wounds, or at least lessens the pain. It does not heal this one, it only makes it worse. Months and now years have gone by, and the lapse of time is a harsh reminder that less of it remains for me biologically speaking. Time means more babies have been born to others, but not to me. Time means that it isn’t “just taking a little longer” but in fact means that the more of it that passes by, statistically speaking, the chances get slimmer. Time means that instead of being pregnant with baby #2, like you had hoped at this point in your life, you are not sure if there will ever be a baby #1 at any point in your life. Time means more birthdays, holidays and other “mile markers” in your life, which you dread because they are only reminders that yet another one (another birthday, another Christmas) has gone by without the blessing you hoped to receive by now. There is an empty space at the table, yet again. This time, you won’t even pray or hope for it to be filled by this time next year, those thoughts have been fruitless the past several times already.

Most people have not been dealt these cards. People get married and then they have kids, that’s just the way it workds. Many babies are conceived without the parents even trying. I can’t imagine a world where I wouldn’t have to try to have a baby, where it “just happened”. I’m not sure I would appreciate the true miracle that occurred if it happened that easily. When I think about pregnancy, I think about something that is unreachable. Most women anticipate it at some point in their lives with excitement, hope, maybe a little(or a lot) of fear, but most of them don’t ever really anticipate it not happening. I don’t feel like I have the luxury of being able to feel any of those emotions. When I think of pregnancy, the only emotion I feel is sad. I don’t get excited thinking about baby names, nursery colors or fun baby showers. That would be putting the cart before the horse, and my horse is nowhere to be found.
I’ve been reading a lot about this process and about grief through infertility. I’ve never felt grief like this before, not even at any of the deaths that have occurred among my family or friends. This grief is relentless. I finally figured out why this is so different from other grief. There is no closure. It is a continuous mental and physical cycle. There is no end to the cycle until there either is a pregnancy, or I hit menopause.

The Cycle:
phase 1: You start with just a tiny bit of hope for this cycle. Just a tiny bit. Even though, in your heart of hearts, you know that this cycle is going to be the same as all of the others. But maybe, just maybe. No, you don’t go down that route. It hurts too much later. But it feels good right now, so just a little hope won’t hurt will it? Hope is a good thing right? Of course, so you “try” again that cycle. You know your timing was just right, so maybe, maybe this really will be the month.

phase 2: Then you have two weeks of waiting, wondering. You start to imagine what it would be like if you really did get pregnant. Wouldn’t that be a MIRACLE? Tears are welling up in your eyes just thinking of how happy you would be if it did happen. It is UNIMAGINABLE joy you can hardly contain yourself. You have to wipe the foolish grin off of your face. Back to reality. Duh, you’ve been through this before, haven’t you learned anything? Ok, keep emotions in check for now, you have your life to live and things to do, we’ll see in two weeks.

phase 3: 2 Weeks later, that hope again is squashed for the….let’s see……28th time now. You think after 28 tries you would wisen up. You do know what the definition of insanity is, don’t you? Disappointment is an understatement. Devestation sets in, again. You feel like a complete fool. Why would you even think it could happen this time or ever? You are so STUPID! Why did you put yourself through all of that when you already know the outcome. Of course this cycle wouldn’t be any different, why would you even think so? You try to console yourself but the tears and shaking won’t stop. God, why? Why am I unfit to be a mother? Why does everyone else deserve this blessing except for me? Please tell me what I am doing wrong and I’ll fix it. Please don’t put me through this again, I can’t handle the pain anymore. I’m never hoping again, it’s so futile….. I’ll do anything, just make this pain go away. On top of all of that, now you have to put up with this beautiful reminder of an “un” conception for the next 5-6 days.

Phase 4: Depression sets in. There is an ache in your heart that only a baby will fill. All women know this, at least women who want babies do. Your stomach is flat. Normally that’s a good thing, but you realize that you may never get to rub your hand over it the way pregnant women do and feel a life growing inside of you. You HATE pregnant women. How did they do it? What was their secret? Maybe they can fill me in. Wait, there is no secret….that’s right, it “just happened” for them. Their bodies didn’t betray them like yours does every month. You hate your body. You hate yourself. The one thing your gender was designed to do, the one thing that happens for millions of women on a daily basis, is something that you miss out on, again and again. Why do some women get to have several, while I get none? Why God? You don’t even feel like a woman. You hate that you can’t give your husband the one thing he wants most. You hate that you do this to him over and over. He deserves a child more than anyone else you can think of and you have failed to give that gift to him. You feel worthless as a wife. You feel alone. I need someone to talk to who understands. You can always turn to your girlfriends when in need, but this is different. They don’t get it. Even your husband doesn’t get it sometimes. Why don’t I know anyone else going through this? Lord, where are you?

phase 5: After a day or so of sulking and a lot of chocolate, things look a little brighter. The normal routine of life sets in. You go through the familiar self-talk that takes place every cycle. Things are going to be ok. I am still a blessed person. I have a really great life. We still have a few years before we really need to worry about being too old. Things may not be how I envisioned for my life right now, but that’s ok, God is still working and He is good. Maybe being a childless couple isn’t so bad after all, I mean, we like our lives now, don’t we? And again, there’s always next time. Then again, why do I think next time will be any different? It won't. It's hopeless. I'm sad. I just want a baby. I'm just........sad.

{return to phase 1, repeat indefinitely}