Joyfully Expectant

This is what I am wanting to become. For once I am speaking of spiritual matters. In my morning devotion book, called Take a Closer Look: for Women by Jan Kern, my devotion for the morning really hit home. You see, I've spent years now expectant on becoming expecting. It was my goal, my hope, and the one and only thing I wanted for my future. I don't have big career aspirations, I don't need the big house or all the new furnishings. I just want a baby. I expected it. Why wouldn't I, I am a married woman, aren't I? The longer time went on without my dream ever came to fruition, the more I agonized over not having it. I really didn't think I could have the life I wanted without my dream of having children. I still don't most of the time, I have a very hard time imagining life differently. But then God speaks to you like he did to me this morning.

The devotion was on Acts 3:11-12, where Peter and John, through the power of Jesus Christ, told the lame man to get up and walk and he did. The author of the devotion went on to describe how the crowd was giving the disciples the credit instead of looking to God. Peter pointed to God. He is the source of healing, he is the one to look to. The author went on to say how the lame man didn't expect a miracle that day, that it was just another normal day for him, of begging, of being lame and of no one noticing or helping him, his "lot in life". But here's what really got me.

"consider what you've grown to accept as your lot in life. Like the lame man, you may fully believe your situation will never change. Every day you face the routine, its challenges and disappointments. It's not fun, but for you, it's reality.....If you want to be joyfully expectant to receive all that God has for you, you will need to let go, to hope, to believe, and to ask.

Where God begins the change, sometimes, is not in the circumstances, but in your perception of the circumstances. Maybe you can't see the full picture yet-all the colors of the painting of you becoming the woman he intends for you to become. Let go of the daily resignation, and begin to live fully and expectantly in all God has for you. Seize it as if you never want to let go. Seize him."

My husband did an orthodox fast for Lent this year. For several weeks, we were wondering what the point was. We really didn't see God working, in fact, things between us were getting harder. My husband didn't seem to understand my grief, he didn't think it necessary to grieve yet. I, on the other hand, grieved very deeply because of my infertility. A doctor has told us we have less than 1% chance of ever conceiving.....what is not to grieve about? We were at odds with how we were reacting to this news, we didn't agree on the next step, and we were disappointed in feeling the lack of support from each other that we expected. Oh, infertility is such a hard, hard journey! How it so drastically damages your once wonderful and simple marriage.

My resignation to my infertility was daily, in fact, it was hourly! I couldn't make it to the grocery store without crying on the way there. I couldn't shower without a downpour of tears to go with it. But suddenly, at the very last week of his fast, I know God worked. I really think that God lifted my depression and gave me a new hope. He allowed me to see that infertility is not my "lot in life". Yes, it is a circumstance that we are in right now that we don't want to be in. But I don't have to resign my life over to it. Does that mean I am completely happy right now...no way! I still struggle daily. I still have to fight off sadness and disappointment and WORRY. This is truly a cross that I have to pick and carry daily. I don't like it at all. I don't want to imagine a life other than the one I thought I would have since I was a little girl, the one everyone else gets to enjoy except for me. But, I know that God can make my future wonderful regardless of the circumstances. He can make my life Beautiful now if I let him. That's what I want right now. I want to not worry about what our future holds, but to allow myself to be surprised by God and what he has for us. I want to live joyfully expectant on God.