One two punch

I haven't posted much. I don't have any excuse, other than, I just haven't felt like it. Not that there isn't a lot going on in my little head and heart, I just haven't felt like writing about it, but here is a recap:

* on the HOPE front, I've been reading a devotional called the One Year Book of Hope and it has been AMAZING! It isn't IF specific, but deals with loss and grief. Each devotional has spoken directly to me. what I love about it is that you delve into entire chapters or passages from the Bible rather than just a verse or two. for the most part, I've been really trying to embrace the life I have right now and take full joy in the blessings that God has given me rather than focus on what i don't have. It's not always easy, but I every time I feel hurt, sad or depressed (usually triggered by something) I try to remember that God is bigger, and that His plans for me are only for good. It sounds silly, but I bought myself a gift for mothers day. Although I feel like mother, and have sacrificed so much to become a mother, I am not recognized as one. I bought a necklace from etsy that to me, signifies hope & beauty in the difficult journey.

*Of course, just when you think you've cornered the market on Hope, with IF, it seems like there is always something lurking around the corner ready to take you out. I have been having a lot of abdominal pain lately, so I went in for an ultrasound and not only do I have several large functional cysts, it looks like I have endo. again and will have to have another LAP. Not only a LAP, but my dr thinks that I may have to have a "real" surgery if they can't get in through the scope. The endo is in between my bladder and uterus and is pressing against a duct that leads up to my kidney, so I will need stent put in case of complications. This really threw me back a bit and put me into a funk for a while. Talk about testing out my Hope. It's one thing to hope when things are status quo, but when faced with another obstacle, a big one, it's hard.

*and yet, another test....another conversation has confirmed that DH is not ready to move forward with adoption, and I am not ready to move forward donor eggs. It's really hard not to be bitter and angry sometimes, I feel like the only obstacle I have to becoming a parent is my own husband.....but I know that isn't fair, or true. It' just so hard when we don't see eye to eye, which has basically been the majority of our IF journey. Neither one of us signed up for infertility and we are doing the best we can.

*One big thing that I have been trying to overcome is my own self image and identity because of IF. Maybe this is topic for another post, but in short, when you have IF, you constantly feel less-than your peers. you see constantly how they are "blessed" by God while your arms remain empty. It doesn't help when you go to church and this feeling of being less is just magnified.....the one place where you expect to find comfort and healing is the place that hurts the most. When I say church, I don't just mean the physical church, but Christians in general and the importance that is placed on family, on the woman's role as mother as being her "highest calling" and kids as the greatest blessing. I know others don't intend to make me feel unworthy, but step inside a church with the lens of IF, and you would know what I mean. I am really looking forward to a new series on the blog Held, the first post is here, which really speaks to this struggle that I have. I know that rather than blaming the church for "making me" feel this way, I need to direct my energy on how I view myself rather than how I think everyone else sees me.

sorry for the length......thanks for hanging in there until the end :)