the road continues on

I really should post more often, I have a lot thoughts running in my head all the time about IF. I wish I could write about them all here, but they usually happen when I am in the shower, or on my way to work and I have to hang on to that thought and then well, it gets lost as the day progresses. IF just never leaves. ever. ever. I was in Walmart the other day picking up some food for a work meeting and I walked past the baby clothing aisle. sigh. Thoughts go from the work meeting to our lack of baby. Then they go to how it really sucks not having a baby to why can't I even walk through a store without thinking about our IF to wondering when is this ever going to end? will I ever be able to walk past the baby aisle and not feel the emptiness creep in. D*mn you Walmart! I hate that store anyways!

Even though my husband and I don't agree on what path to take to grow our family, I do feel some comfort in knowing that we have options. I know God has been doling out some extra portions of patience lately, for me especially. So often, I just want to scream, plead and beg for my husband to see things my way, but I know that isn't right. I don't think coercing him or pushing him are the right things to do, in fact I think it's wrong. It's been one of the hardest struggles for me, to put my desires aside and honor the way he feels, even when I disagree (and sometimes I disagree so much I swear there is steam coming out of my ears!) I want so much to proceed with what I want to do, I just feel so ready and it feels so right, but it will never be an option for us unless Mike feels the same, and that isn't happening anytime soon.

The holidays were very hard this year, but I do feel like things are better. I think it is in part due to putting at least a little bit of a plan in place, or at least a timeline. We are seeing a natural health practitioner again and we are praying that some things will improve. With my DOR, there really isn't anything I can do but improve my health and make sure the few eggs I have left are in really good shape and that I keep my cycles as regular as possible. We really believe that this is the best and realistically the only thing we can do right now, and it's the one thing we agree on.

There's a song out right now by Amy Grant, Better than a Hallelujah that has been resonating with me. It's so easy to praise God when things are easy or good, or when things turn around for the better. Like facebook, for instance, whenever someone posts something good that has happened to them, I see a string of "God is so good, what a blessing, you are blessed, hallelujah, our God is so great" type of posts. Sometimes I wonder if the praises would be so forthcoming if the news wasn't so good. What if things weren't good at all? What if things never turned around or got better, would they be as joyful? I know that IF has taken it's toll on me. 4.5 years later and there is STILL no resolution in sight. I often feel like the only attention I give to God is when I am crying, laying in puddle of tears on the ground, sometimes even shaking my fists at Him. There are times when I can't find the words to praise him, often not because I am angry, but because I am just numb. I wonder if my meager attempts at communicating with God, at spewing my heart out to him, even though it's not pretty, is more beautiful to Him than freely, flowing praises from shiny, happy people who aren't currently struggling with anything so big? It gives me comfort knowing that a mustard seed is all it takes for God. It isn't very big, sometimes that's all I have, but it's all He requires of me in this moment of suffering.