Just stuff

I should be going to bed now, but I have a lot on my mind. Work is so busy and I'm feeling a bit stressed. My husband had a phone interview today for a job that would put us back to our home town. For those that are newer readers, we moved in March, 2 hours away from "home" for DH's new job. He hates this new job and is now looking for another one. So, maybe there is another move in our future. This has me feeling all sorts of crazy lately.

I'm just feeling really uncertain about things right now. I want to move forward with something....but we are stuck and don't agree on what we want to do. Even though I feel sure I don't want to try treatment again, there's a part of me that feels like that door was never closed. Well, the door was closed by the RE, but not by us, and you know how it is, it needs to be closed by US in order to feel resolution. I am starting to wonder if we need to push it open again just so we can shut it ourselves, to at least give us closure. I still don't want to give up on my own eggs, there may be few left, but I know they are still there. It's been one year since my last IVF and I think I could handle going through another one. We only made it to ER on our 2nd try, so technically speaking, we only had one full round. I just hate pushing the RE's into helping us, knowing that they are frowning at us the whole time. Yet, I know of several miracle PG's that have happened because other couples have done that...pushed even when it was against the odds.

There is also another part of me that just wants to stop altogether. I don't even want to TTCN anymore. I don't want to live with the cycle of hope and grief anymore. 4.5 years later and it's not any easier. I just want it to stop. But, I am pushing on because DH is not ready to stop yet. I need to honor where he is in the journey too, even though it's a much different place than where I am. I think that's maybe why I am considering IVF again, because the direction that DH wants us to go is one that I can't handle right now, one that I don't even feel right about. IVF is the only thing we might agree to do.

Last year my New Years motto was to have hope, to keep my hope in God even when the situation was hopeless. Well, I failed miserably at that. I don't really have hope anymore, not hope in having our own biological child at least. Maybe that's my problem. I've given up. But I do think that with God's help I can move forward and try to live life fully, whether that means having a child right now or not. I do believe we will be parents one day, in one way or another. I just need to cling to God's plan for us and try to have joy knowing that He can still solve this problem for us, even if it looks differently than how we envisioned it.