Spilling over

My last post was created during a really rough day for me. Not all days are like that, in fact, most days are not but they still creep up. Many times there is a trigger, but sometimes it's just grief spilling over again. It's like you store little bits of it here and there and usually you can move on but somewhere down the line it has to spill over. You see the cute baby at the store and you are sad for a moment, then you push your cart further down the aisle and your thoughts quickly turn to deciding between Downy or Snuggle. You see a PG lady at church and the rest of that service is really hard for you, but you are fine once you get home. You ingest another facebook comment from one of your mommy friends about how darling "jr." is doing "such and such" and it's so wonderful, and the sadness hits you, but then you log off facebook and then occupy your mind with the laundry that needs to get done. Sometimes all those moments accumulate in your mind and heart and you have to empty yourself of them.

The rest of life is just full right now, I don't feel like there is enough room in my mind to process everything. My grandfather passed away on Feb. 28th and we attended his funeral on Friday. DH's aunt passed away a day after my grandfather and her funeral was the same day. I have jumbled emotions about grandpa. I really miss him, but he was 96 and I know he was ready to go home and for that I am so happy. I am also just consumed with our move coming up on this week. It's just so. much. work. Once we move, there will be even more work!

Even though we are on a break from TTC, we are still active in our pursuit of starting our family (ha ha, not in THAT way). Our fast is going ok, but because we are apart for most of the week, we haven't been able to pray much together, so I feel like this is lacking from the purpose of our fast. I have started to request information packets from adoption agencies and I signed us up for an info. session in April. Even though we are on a break, I feel like we are at least still taking some steps and hopefully God will eventually show us what path to take. Exploring adoption has been exciting and hard. I don't think we will ever fully close the door on trying for our own children. I know we want to try IVF at least once more and I will do everything in my power to conceive naturally, but I know for me personally, I've reached that threshold of just needing to be a mother. This need is greater than the need for a bio child (not that my want or need for a bio child will ever totally disappear), but the truth is, I just don't want to wait anymore. I think this will be a post for another day, but I did have to and still do wrestle with the reasons for adoption. More on that later.