Fat Tuesday

I celebrated Fat Tuesday by indulging in a cheeseburger and fries today. Not my finest moment, but I've been indulging in a lot of goodies since my last IVF. However, that was my farewell indulgence before Mike and I start our fast tomorrow.

Last year Mike did an orthodox fast (basically eating vegan) for all of Lent. In Mike's cultural background, fasting is very common, although it isn't something he has always practiced. I won't go into all of the details as to why Mike fasted, but let's just say after a period of complete darkness in our life, God brought us out of it and he definitely healed some of our emotional wounds from our DOR diagnosis last year. I know that God was faithful through Mike's fasting.

This year I really feel prompted to join Mike in fasting. We are in an in-between place right now, a forced break because of our circumstances. This break has really made me struggle a lot. I oscillate between feeling very at peace and feeling very anxious about what comes next for us. I want to move forward, but I know the time is not quite right yet. IF is just one big wait, even while I'm waiting, I'm waiting. Argh.

However, I want to use this time of waiting to really, earnestly, fervently and prayerfully seek God's direction for some major decisions we have in regards to starting our family. I know that there are many distractions that cause me to lose sight of Him, that cause me to lose hope or wallow in self pity. This time of fasting for me will be to regain focus, to go directly to Him for my comfort and guidance rather than other sources (TV, internet, other's opinions). I really believe that we are at a turning point in our journey, I just really don't know where the bend in the road is taking us. It could simply be another period of waiting, and maybe it's only an emotional or spiritual bend, but we are hoping that it is otherwise. We are ready to pursue adoption, but we don't know what kind or what agency to use. We are also willing and wanting to do IVF again, but we don't have a doctor in our new home town yet and I don't think any of the doctors do IVF in that area, so I will have to travel. Anyways, these are just all of the different factors that we don't have answers for yet. I don't know if we will get any answers after our fast, but I our decision to do this is for us to draw closer to God, become aligned with His will and break any spiritual bondages that are hindering us from really hearing Him and feeling his peace.

All I know right now is......Easter seems really, really far away and I am already looking forward to the huge chocolate bunny that I will buy myself once this fast is over. :)