Here nor there

Right now I feel like my life is neither here nor there. I don't live in my own home much anymore, but I don't live in a new home yet either. Where I am living today (temp. housing) is not where I will be living tomorrow (back home in Milw.). I want to look for a job, but I need a permanent residence before I feel ready to do that - not to mention the logistics of working without having a home!

Looking for a new home has in a way, really shoved our infertility in our face. I imagine that many couples, when looking for their 2nd home, have to worry about how child friendly it is. Are there enough bedrooms? Is there a play space? is the yard big enough for a play set? Do I want to climb stairs if I am X months pregnant? Are there any potential dangers in the house for a child? How about the neighborhood? What about the schools? Are there other children in the neighborhood?

I can't tell you how many times I've had to answer "no" when one of the first questions asked by a realtor at an open house is "do you have children?" My no is not a "no, not yet", or a "no, but hopefully soon", or a "no, thank goodness". My no is sadly, just a big, loud resounding "NO. No, we are a part of the unfortunate few who don't GET to have children" kind of no. And then I get to look at the house with the nice reminder that I have absolutely no reason to be concerned with any of the questions listed above. Even though in my heart I still am concerned. I still think about schools, and about space, and number of bedrooms..... I still get concerned with open staircases and busy streets. And then I feel crazy for thinking such thoughts. I really don't have a reason to consider our future home as a place we will raise children.

The thing is.....I am not physically a mother, but my heart has been one for four years. I am a mother without a child. We are parents without children. Our former house was a home without a family. I wish I could say that I really think we will become parents and have children in our new house, but the truth is, we may not. And that reality slaps me in the face every time we walk into a new house. Will this house be void of baby cries and toddler pitter patter also? I wish I had enough hope to say no, but right now I feel like my hope is neither here nor there.

I'm a little frustrated, being in this in-between. We physcially and emotionally need a break from IVF, so we aren't seeking treatments again until we get settled in our new town. It could be months before we try again. We don't feel ready to fill out adoption applications yet because of our move and we aren't sure if we want to pursue domestic, international or embryo. I wish I could pursue all three to see which one will happen the fastest, but I know that isn't the answer. We want to make sure we pursue the path God leads us down and don't want to make that decision out of haste.

I think this standstill is what is making me feel so hopeless right now because I know I can do absolutely nothing about filling our new home with a family, at least not right now. I have to wait. I am not a worker, I am not a mother, for most of the week I am not even a wife (when Mike is gone).....seriously, in all respects, I'm neither here nor there!