3 for 1

I will be going in to see Dr. K again next Monday. I will be having 3 things done, but all during one procedure. I am having a hysteroscopy, cyst aspiration (if it's still there, hopefull the BCP's helped) and I will have a "mock" embryo transfer. The mock transfer is just basically a trial run for when they do the real thing. From what the nurse told me they basically just determine what size catheter to use. Well, we already know I need a really small one :) The main reason I am having the hysteroscopy is that when I had my HSG done, there were potentially some polyps in my uterus. However, in the notes from the report it also said that these could be "air bubbles" from the dye. Thankfully, I will be put under completely, so I don't have to worry about pain.

We are definitely on the path to IVF. There are many potential obstacles, so the path can be deterred at many points along the way. We really feel that this is the path God wants us to be on right now. I know that at other points in our journey, we would not have been ready or even open to this, but there have been so many signs directing us this way. Even if we aren't able to do it, or it doesn't work, I know that God will use this as a catalyst for something else, maybe a way to close the door and move on to a different way to start a family. I know Mike is definitely warming up more to the idea of adoption. I also am very, very interested in embryo adoption, but Mike is not at all. Either way, I know this will attempt will not be wasted.

I think one thing that is really helping me is that I feel a bit detached emotionally from IF right now. I mean, I spent MONTHS and MONTHS in deep depression and tears and sadness. Actually, this grief has been with me for a couple of years. Once in a great while, it still hits me hard. Grief is grief, it comes and goes. Sometimes it lingers. You aren't always prepared for it when it hits you even though it is so familiar. When it comes you can't fight it, you kind of have to embrace it and deal with it for what it is. I think maybe it's because we have a "plan" in place and we are actually "doing" something about our IF that I am approaching our IF in a more objective manner. What do I have to do? More needles shoved up my cervix? Sure. Daily shots in my A$s. Bring it. Throwing up from hormonal overload and possible facial hair? Why not. I'm not sad over these things, I am not bitter I have to go through them, I am not depressed that our bank account is being depleted. It's kind of like I have a mission and I'm just focused on that rather than how sad IF makes me feel. I know that all of the other things we have to think about right now (finding JOBS!) are also a huge distraction.