Bones to Pick

sorry, this post is no fun. It's a rant. If you aren't up for it, don't read it.

We are constantly bombarded as to how abnormal we are as a childless couple, especially amongst Christians. I think this bothers me more than anything. I sometimes wonder if women who have never had to struggle with singleness or childlessness ever really understand how those of us who have feel so left out. Maybe I'm just ultrasensitive these days because I am just trying to live my life without the pursuit of children at the forefront of my existence. But it seems no matter how hard I try, I am reminded that this type of existence is unfamiliar and uncelebrated. I mean, let's face it, no one ever says "congratulations" or "praise God, you are so blessed" when you tell them you don't have/can't have children. I have some major bones to pick with the world. I'm just getting it out there......These things are on my black list right now:

Women's Bible studies that meet during a week day - so, what about women who work? Singles don't have a husband to pay their bills, so they have to work. Women without children work because, well, that's just what you do. It seems womens studies cater to the SAHM. Where is OUR Bible Study time?

Alumni Notes from my college's (which is a Christian college, btw) magazine - why are there more marriage and birth announcements than career updates? When I open my Dh's magazine, or those from the other colleges I've worked for, all of the alumni notes are about career moves, not family ones. I can't tell you how I have LONGED for the day when I can send a birth announcement there....but I never will and it makes me feel like I don't measure up to the "Mrs. + 3" degree that apparently everyone else but me received at graduation. The funny thing is, I could write two pages on all of my career achievements, yet I feel like most people's eyes would glaze over because all they want to see is a pic of my cute offspring in matching outfits.

Stuck in a conversation about motherhood - I'm sorry, I just have to put it out there. It's hard to be around a group of mothers. The topic is almost always children. This is when I want to run and hide, or I am standing there staring at the wall because a. I feel so out of place b. I feel like crying because of a. and because it's another reminder of what I can't have, what I don't share with my peers, and what makes me feel so different than everyone else. Not to mention it just hurts, really, really bad to have to hear about children sometimes.

Being called "newlyweds" - Someone called us newlyweds the other day. This person has been married about 1 year longer than we have. The difference? They have two children. In their eyes we are "newlyweds" because we don't have the demands of children. Newlyweds? the amount of pain that has existed in our marriage is more than what some couples will face in a lifetime. Our "innocence" ended about 1 year into our marriage. I hate it when others think our life is so easy because we don't have kids.

The definition of family - as a family of two, we are usually discounted from this group. Family "anything" means children in the eyes of the world. when someone says "just wait until you have a family", it's like nails on a chalkboard. I have a family. I am a family with my DH. We have parents and siblings and in-laws and a grand multitude of cousins that are just as worthy of our time as a child would be.

Getting the blank stare of death when answering "no" to the "do you have children" question. This has happened a lot lately since we are new in town and meet new people frequently. Even worse are the assuming comments we get afterwords. "oh, just enjoy life without children for now", "do you WANT children?", "well, I guess children aren't for everyone", "oh, well maybe someday when you are ready", and my all time favorite "so, is your dog a replacement for children then? he he" Some people can't just accept "no" for an answer.

Losing out on friendships - this one is really hard. It's hard to see all of my mommy friends get together for playdates, trips to the zoo, birthday parties, MOPS groups and other "mommy" targeted groups/activities. I don't fit. I don't get asked to join along, yet I don't necessarily want to. I don't belong, yet in my heart I want to. I get to see all of my friends share in the common experience of motherhood and deepen their friendships while doing so, while my friendships with them dwindle and grow distant, some of them are gone forever. This is just another damaging effect of IF. There isn't much you can do about it, we are in different places. I am left behind from their place.

I know this is a lot of negativity in this post and some of it is even harsh, but IF is harsh. It's harsh on us and we are just trying to survive it. In addition to all of the pain our inability to conceive has caused us, the "world" doesn't exactly make it easier on us. Sometimes I think that IF wouldn't really be all that bad, if it weren't for everybody else.