The Unwanted Journey

I am starting this blog to help me journal through the ups and downs of infertility. Like many other couples facing this issue, I find this to be a very lonely and misunderstood journey. I started this journey almost 3 years ago, so there has been so much of it that I have not documented. It's probably a good thing because most of it is just not pretty. This journey has been by far the hardest thing I've ever experienced, and most likely will ever experience. It is life changing.

Most people "get" other life changing experiences. Even if they haven't experienced it themselves, they understand others' grief over a terminal illness, death of a loved one, a cheating spouse, a child that has gone astray or a miscarriage just to name a few. However most people just don't seem to understand how life changing infertility is, how much of a grieving process it is and how much it impacts your life, your marriage, your interactions with others, your friendships, your attitude, your outlook on life and even your faith. It is truly a crisis.

Since I am jumping in here in the middle of my journey, my posts will probably be a mix of current thoughts and struggles with some reflections on the path I've already traveled. Some good news is that I am currently (as of this date) in a pretty good place, probably better than I have been since this whole journey began. I know that it is due to the many prayers that friends and loved ones have prayed for which I am so thankful. I always ask people to pray for God's will and for His strength. We may not be able to change this journey, this is what we have been called to endure right now so rather than fighting it, I pray that we can endure it, that we can persevere because we really do believe that God has something wonderful waiting for us at the end. We may not know what it is. It may not be a baby, it may not be a family and that thought is really, really heart wrenching, but we also know that God's plans for us are good, and that is NOT heart wrenching, it is praiseworthy!

One of the verses that keeps sticking out to me is Hebrews 12:1-3:

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

Let us throw off everything that hinders.....For us, this is doubt, fear, skepticism, hopelessness self-pity and grief.

And the sin that so easily entangles....Anger, envy, jealousy, self sufficiency, bitterness, worry

Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.......living for Christ, worshiping Him regardless of our circumstance. Right now the circumstance is infertility, it is not knowing what our future holds and knowing we have no control over it. Realizing that our life may look very differently that the one we thought we would have.

The rest of the verse reminds of Christ's suffering and that no matter what happens to us, we have His strength, which will allow us to not grow weary and lose heart.

Another verse that has been very helpful is Romans 5:3-5. The past year or so has been marked with great suffering for us. Suffering really is the only word that accurately describes infertility. It causes so much suffering.

"And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

Those struggling with infertility lose hope very easily. I know I have many times. This reminds me that no matter the end result, my suffering has a purpose and will produce fruit in my life.

So, this is where we are right now. We have suffered, we have grieved and I know that at times, we will continue to do so. But we are also hopeful, taking joy in the path that God is leading us on and expecting him to do great things through our lives. We are doing our best to persevere so that we can have that hope that infertility so easily takes away from us!