Anniversary

We celebrated our 5 year anniversary on Friday. We exchanged gifts and went to a nice restaurant. I love my husband and I can't imagine life without him, no matter what we have to go through. I just hate that our anniversary is tainted with sadness. Should it ever be? I think anniversaries should be so happy, but ours hasn't been for a few years. I mean, we are happy and we do celebrate our marriage and our commitment to each other and I really, really try to not think about our IF and just be happy for us....BUT no matter how hard I try that dark cloud is there, and I know it's there for Mike too. This one has been particularly hard. When we first got married and looked ahead at 5 years, we definitely envisioned children. I mean, surely we would have at least one child by our 5 year anniversary, most likely 2 or at least another on the way. We didn't want to wait long to start our family. We had no reason to believe this wouldn't happen for us. You get married and then you have children, that's just they way it works. I miss that naivete. I miss that innocence. I miss that happiness and joy and anticipation of a the type of future you see with your new husband. I miss being excited about my future. Instead, we had a conversation about our future at our anniversary dinner that brought us to tears. Instead of excitement and wonder, we feel dismayed, discouraged and uncertain of what we see. We don't feel like we have the luxury of dreaming about children and seeing a few little ones in our home. It would be assuming too much. We don't want to think about the alternative either though, but in a way we feel forced to.

We have friends who also just celebrated their 5 year anniversary, and they have two children. We thought we would be them, but we're not. We are in world we never envisioned, a world where we feel very alone and isolated from our peers and a world we don't know we will ever leave.